• Nadia B

Finding my creativity. aka. it being ok that I'm not THAT creative. aka. planting the seed.

Every time I see somebody being creative, be it a photographer, painter, gymnast, being creative in any way, shape or form, I feel a debilitating anxiety. I feel like it's too late for me, I feel like if wanted to be creative I should have started years ago, that if I try to do anything creative now, try to draw anything or do anything, that people will think it's stupid and will compare my work to that of a child. I feel so jealous of people that DID start years ago, and put their minds and their dedication to creating something amazing, and I want to try so hard to be like them, to do something like them. To write, to paint, to draw, do a shuv it on a skateboard even something so menial like a little stick man, but the voice just tells me not to, and in the end I find it easier to just give in to the voice that tells me there's no point, and instead I look at my phone and try to allow myself be washed away by some mindless scrolling. If I don't think about it I won't try, I won't even try to try. If I don't try I can't be disappointed. - sorry The Artist's Way, you were no match for the ferociousness of my laziness/contempt for myself!- It's 2020 now. I'v been letting these thoughts take over for the best part of... my whole life? For years I'v been making excuses as to why I shouldn't do anything. But the ringing in my ears that I have to at least TRY has finally gotten too loud for me to ignore. So yes, it's 2020 now. I'm 5 months away from being 28, and the goal for between now and 5 months is not to have some big body of work to show for, but to just try to enjoy doing art again, or writing again. ("again" not appropriate here, as I never really habitually did any of these outside of any academic obligation). (pls humor me) I learnt while reading yesterday (my little self-discipline book, omg I think it's working????) that a sure-fire way to be disappointed and/or to give up is to focus on the outcome of your effort, and attach your self-worth to the outcome. Outcome unfortunately cannot be controlled, your effort however, is 100% under your control. If you focus on the effort, and attach your self-worth to this, you might actually enjoy the process. If you concentrate too much importance on the result, you're placing too much pressure on the result being satisfactory, and when it isn't, we tend to give up. The goal should be to make a huge effort, do your best and enjoy the moment for what it is. You can't expect to be brilliant straight away, but you can at least get some enjoyment out of trying. It's not supposed to be about trying to be brilliant straight away, it's supposed to BE about enjoying it, getting some pleasure out of it.

With this in mind, I'm going to try do this for the sake of doing it, and not for the sake of trying to be some insta-famous incredible, original and groundbreaking artist. It's not about creating something amazing and finally being able to call myself a creative individual, and show everyone all the totally SO amazing stuff I'v done, but just putting pencil to page every now and then, or rubber to page, arse to page whatever, just making an attempt sometimes. ideally a few times a week tbf, you do have some catching up to do - no sorry - I don't have any catching up to do -it's not about comparing yourself to others REMEMBER? However I have been thinking about it for a good long time so, yes, in terms of getting a move on because I'v been saying it to myself for ages then yes I do have some catching up to do, ok? ok. OK. So I may not be the next Maria Abromovich (spell?) of fecking water colours (they're all I have right now, don't even have a paintbrush) but at least I'm starting now,(getting paintbrushes tomorrow) I could be starting when I'm 30? That would be worse, that is an example of what would be worse. So yeah, stick to that, what an AchiEVemENt. And like that saying you like goes, a tree starts with a seed, plant the fucking seed now you big idiot, and in a few years, probably like 5 years, you will have a small shitty tree. Just joking though jesus stop being such a prick to yourself, in five years if you keep going as you're going you could probably have a pretty half decent tree! AND THAT'S SOMETHING. Who knew Nadia enjoyed blogging? Nobody that's who. But anyway well done for acheiving this too, I'm on my MERRY OLD WAY.

xo peace paz siochaín NA

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